When a family member misses such an important life event, the air in every room is noisy with his absence.
He was not in the car when his wife picked me up a the airport, nor was he waiting back at the house, in the kitchen, with that slight frown of intense concentration that always accompanied his slow, deliberate, quietly jubilant cooking adventures that lasted full days.
His wife threw a party the day before the wedding, her sisters-in-law abuzz with busy helpfulness. Both sides of the family gathered, old friends, new meetings, hearty hugs and rich laughter abounded. The hum of celebration grew large, peals of laughter regularly piercing through. Still, the roar of my brother’s absence remained.
He did not see the expression on his son’s face when he saw his bride for the first time, coming down the aisle of the sweet chapel on her father’s arm. He missed it all.
As my daughter and I sat in the first row, waiting for the ceremony that would make my brother’s son a married man, my daughter whispered to me. She asked me if I missed him.
Oh yes, yes I do.
My brother Roy died on December 6, 2001. He died in Ecuador, on the side of a mountain very near its summit, immediately and without warning. And I think it would not be false to say that his absence, and my missing him, has been with me since. The loss of him, of a living brother, the little boy who was already there when I was born, the skinny, freckled, snake-catching, marble-collecting, bow-shooting, cowboy-playing, fly-tying person whose living presence told me that my own life and experience were true. He helped me know who I was. Every day he did this. Just by being alive.
I read this poem, by Rilke at his funeral:
Interior Portrait
You don’t survive in me
because of memories;
nor are you mine because
of a lovely longing’s strength.
What does make you present
is the ardent detour
that a slow tenderness
traces in my blood.
I do not need
to see you appear;
being born sufficed for me
to lose you a little less.
Oh Barbara…I remember how close you were (are) to your brother…I remember stories of the meals, but mostly I remember stories filled with laughter and a delight shared between the two of you and your shared memories and sense of humor. I am consistently astonished at the depth of my feelings having recently lost one of brothers to death…
Terri, Thank you. It is indeed an astonishing an ongoing loss.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful; As was your brother, our dear friend. As was his son’s wedding. Thanks
Thanks for your words, Barry.
I have no words for my reaction to this–only sympathetic feelings. I’ve lost 2 of 3 siblings.
Barbara-I remember hearing this a long time ago… We die twice, first when we exhale our last breath and again when our name is last spoken… Your brother is alive in you and yours…