Dear Mr. Jeff Bezos,
Dear Mr. Jeff Bezos,
I cannot predict the future, but I do know what will happen.
This morning, when I set out for my morning dog walk, my calendar told me that the date was November 10, 2018. The sunlight that shone through my window was vast. The air that hit me in the face when I opened my back door was not the bracing, invigorating air of late fall, the chill that brings a healthy rose to your cheeks and energizes your step. It was the unwanted, unwarranted, unexpected, entirely RUDE slap in the face of mid-winter. 21 degrees. I could sense the sun laughing at me. Hahaha, fooled you.
Here is what will happen.
One hundred nineteen hours from now (seven thousand one hundred forty minutes, four hundred twenty-eight thousand four hundred seconds), a man will hold a brutally sharp knife just above my skin. He will have marked the spot. Possibly with a Sharpie. He will slice my skin on a precisely drawn line, and he will watch as six or more inches of my skin separates into parts. Copious amounts of blood will spread from the split. People, ones who are not holding the knife, will have prepared for this. They will mop up the streams and rivulets with highly absorbent sponges.
The fall has lingered this year. It has taken its time, languorous and slothful in showing its colors, the trees refusing to let go of their flaming displays. But after a blustery rainstorm, many trees gave up all at once, raining a thick carpet onto the ground. When it dropped well below freezing last night — for the first time — another miracle. Trees and leaves can no longer cling to one another. Emblazoned leaves let go, one at a time, in a slow motion and silent shower. They spin, twirl, dawdle in their descent, and they come to rest among the thick carpet of their brethren.
Once the myriad tissues have been cut through or pulled to the side, the man will put down the knife. He will remove my femur from my acetabulum, or in simpler terms, he will dislocate my thigh bone from my hip socket. He will then take a bone saw and cut off the top portion of my femur – the largest bone in the human body. He will cut it entirely off.
Perhaps I can predict the future.
On the morning of November 10, 2018, I watch the leaves drift one at a time to their resting place on the newly-frozen ground. Their crunch underneath my feet, even as I walk along with my cane, is one of the glorious sounds on earth. My dog sniffs for the perfect place to plop down and roll back and forth in the leafy carpet.
When I walk among the leaves a year from now, I will not need a cane.
My newest novel, Pushing the River, released yesterday (Amika Press)!!
In honor of its official entrance into the world, here are some additional teaser quotes.
The early reviews have taken my breath away. Check them out, below!
“Madeline stood in the street and gaped into the vast cavern of space as if it were a true miracle, as if an outline of the Virgin Mother would undoubtedly appear on a side wall, like Jesus on a piece of toast.”
“That’s my heritage, the stock from whence I come, I will put on my gloves and I will get out there in that garden and I will take no prisoners and I will damn the torpedoes and I will full speed ahead. My family is in need.”
“Madeline became passionately attached to Jeff’s body. She scanned its surface for changes to memorize. She took note of differing thicknesses of the hairs comprising his beard, ran her fingers alone the crevasses of scars from a bad car accident, studied the calluses on each of his fingers from years of playing guitar.”
“My head is gonna explode, she thought. It is going to detach from my body and flay apart into a million, icky-gooey-oozy little pieces. What’s the movie where that happens? It’s going to splatter against the walls and slap Savannah upside the face.”
“…they would be swept up in a great salty tide [of tears] and whisked down the corridor, past roomfuls of astonished new mothers cradling infants, while Madeline swooped up Dylan and saved him.”
“By the second week of December, Madeline felt as if she had fast-forwarded through a ten-year marriage in just slightly more than three months.”
“When he shuffled off to the bathroom each night to brush and floss for an absurd amount of time, it set her own teeth on edge to such a degree she felt certain her back molars would shatter into bits.”
“Sometimes it is a smell or the particular angle of the sun’s light or the sound of a door closing – some thing that makes its way through the store of life’s memories and touches something deep, far, previously lost. In this case, it was the movement, the precise position of her legs.”
“Taking down a Christmas tree was like a death. The death of another year. Pack up and put away whatever was special or memorable or lasting. Throw away the rest.”
“I knew that we were in a race against my grandmother’s remaining time. I thought about the possibility that she might die while we were up in the clouds, and I wondered if I might be able to see her, making her trip to heaven, if I concentrated very hard on the clouds.”
“The really gory detail is how I turned out to be a hopelessly shallow person who fell for a handsome lunatic.”
PUSHING THE RIVER releases one week from today! Here are some teaser quotes from the novel to whet your appetite.
“I have lived in the company of ghosts. I have known this for a long time – that I rattled around among specters and spirits and wraiths. But I also knew that they were, indeed, my company.”
“He shook her toe a few more times and then went over and sat down on his own side of the bed. It occurred to him that maybe if he got back under the covers and shut his eyes and then opened them up again, it might all be different.”
“When Jeff first left — fourteen years ago today – I could read without glasses, even the smallest print on the train boxes. When my hands reached up to dust those boxes, the craggy blue veins did not stand out starkly against my sallow hands. The skin did not pucker into fascinating, horrifying patterns.”
“She had a nearly overwhelming desire to lie down in the grass right then, halfway along the trail, right there, in the middle of the sculpture garden, and resolve to stay there, not move, not continue, until something changed.”
“I was a Natural Woman. I told my mother she had given me her last Toni home permanent, thank you very much, and gathered up my bras for a ritual burning.”
“There was something just a little goofy about him, the stoop of his shoulders, the enormity of his feet in the ultra-white gym shoes she later learned he had bought that day at Costco. A mortal after all.”
“Something old and very deep within Madeline felt a profound shame. She tamped down the instinct to apologize over and over, to do anything, to do everything, that might possibly make Dan feel better, want to stay, want to hold her, want her.”
“Alongside the shame and the blind anger, the most profound feeling of all was a wish that something, just one thing, could be simple. Clear. Easy. Known.”
“Even the wildly striped hair did nothing to dilute the impact of seeing a child – a very small, very young, very sad, and very scared child – standing there. A child who happened to be seven months pregnant.”
Besides, it was Friday. Fabulous Friday. Fucking Friday. At 5:00 pm on the Friday at the end of her very first week of her very first job, she had gone straight to the nearest Walgreen’s and bought a six-pack of Bud Lite. She had read that it was the number one selling beer in America, and she wanted to feel like an American. She’d finished college, gotten a job, and worked a forty-hour work week. She was staggered to find herself utterly exhausted from the seemingly straightforward task of sitting behind a desk for all of those hours. Jesus H. Christ, she had thought, how could I be twenty-two years old and be so f-ing wiped? From that day on, Friday was a day to go home, pop open a Bud, take off her bra, and veg out for a significant chuck of time even if she headed out later.
She savored a long draught from her beer, saying “Ahhhhhhh,” aloud. “Thank you, Friday. Thank you for coming,” and raised her bottle in a hearty toast to the empty space of her hallway. She detoured into her bathroom to pee, took a swig, and automatically turned to her reflection in the mirror to check her hair. She arranged the bangs that were forever in a state of indecision – hers – as to whether she was keeping them or growing them out.
Her boss had unexpectedly asked her to lunch that day. Awkward. She liked him fine, but he was her boss, and at least ten or fifteen years older than she was. He had a whole plan for his life, which both horrified her and intimidated her. Stodgy, but clear view ahead.
She was genuinely surprised to find herself having such a good time at lunch. Her boss was telling her about the remaining – and increasingly torturous – final details of his upcoming wedding. Though the seating charts, and place cards, and party favor bag ribbon colors were driving him completely insane, she remained fascinated, rapt with attention. Also, his fiancée still hadn’t decided if she wanted to change her name, he told her; and whereas he didn’t actually care one way or the other, he was exhausted by her continual deliberation, over the course of months, out loud and directed at him.
“Names are kind of important,” she had said. “They can really mean a lot, about how we think about ourselves, how we think about who we are.”
He looked at her as if suddenly remembering that she was there. “Really? You think so?”
“Yeah, I do. Are you ready for this? I actually changed my name. It used to be Vanya; that’s what my parents named me. It’s a pretty popular girl’s name in India, a forest deity. I just got really tired of everyone thinking I was a Russian guy. Russian. And a guy.”
“You picked ‘Ananya?’”
“I did. It’s a common-ish name in India. But wait til you hear this. Some say its origin is Hindu, and it means ‘unique, without peer.’ Others say that it’s Muslim and means ‘care and protection.’ Then there’s the group who says it’s from Sanskrit and means ‘terrible misfortune.’ How cool is that? I get to encapsulate a whole regional religious war with just my name! Plus, it sounds like a girl, and doesn’t sound Mexican. Oh, I forgot to mention that not only did everyone think that I was a Russian boy when they saw my name in print; then they assumed that I was Mexican when they saw me in person. So, yeah. Ananya.”
She reached up to shift her bangs off her forehead.
That was the moment. When her fingertips grazed her hair, and she felt the strands brush across her forehead. Oh my God, I forgot to go to the restroom when we got here; I don’t even know if I look ok. I don’t know if my hair is ok. I shouldn’t even be talking right now. What the fuck am I doing talking? What the fuck was I thinking? I’m drawing his attention to me. He’s looking at me, because I’m talking. Because I just had to tell him the whole name story. My bangs. I think my bangs felt greasy. I should have let him talk. Kept him talking. Then he sort of looks around the room and moves his eyes back and forth and doesn’t just stare at me. Me with the bad hair. Me with the shit hair that’s never looked right, never. And greasy bangs! FUCK. I can’t believe I didn’t check in the mirror. How can I be so fucking stupid? Stupid and shitty hair. I gotta get out of here? How much longer do we have to sit here so it won’t be even more awkward if I say that I need to go. How long have we been here? I gotta come up with some questions to ask him, keep him talking. Anything. Anything to keep him from noticing my hair.
Ananya regarded herself in the mirror, drank the remainder of her beer in one gulp and said to her reflection, “OK, this ends now. Or at least as soon as I pop open another brew.”
She often went to one of her favorite bookstores mid-Friday evenings, and browsed through the newest graphic novels. A lot of the stores carried esoteric ones that the artist/writer had given the store directly, so she rotated through a number different stores to see different comics. Plus, that meant that she wasn’t a serious regular at any one store, which would have made her feel like even more of a dweeb; and, none of the well-meaning bookstore folks got all up in her business too much.
It was a cool evening for summer; Ananya wrapped a long scarf around her neck and over her head. She was standing at a busy intersection when a waft of breeze whooshed the scarf from the top of her head. She had an immediate instinct to jerk her arms up and replace it, but she resisted. What good was her decision to end the tyranny if she just turned around and covered it up.
When she walked through the door of the bookstore, the girl at the counter looked up from her book. They always did that. But this time, the girl didn’t look back down again. She sat up a little straighter in her chair. “Is there anything I can help you with?”
Ananya was already walking toward the graphic novel section and didn’t even make eye contact when she said, “No, thanks. I’m good.”
She picked up a copy of Bad Girls, which she’d heard about. It had everything: a crazy pop art style, Fidel’s 1958 Cuba, murder, and well, bad girls. It also had a whopping $25.98 price tag, which was seriously steep. But this was a special novel, and it was a special day. She let out a little whistle under her breath, a mixture of sticker shock and celebration, and walked to the counter.
The girl, except that now that Ananya was closer, and actually looking at her, the bookstore person appeared to be maybe mid-40’s. She turned the novel towards herself and said to Ananya, “Oh, this is a great choice. Just a great choice. I’ve heard so much.”
“Yeah,” Ananya said, having no desire to share a lot of words.
“Did you find everything that you were looking for?” She scanned the book’s price into the computer, then replaced it on the counter and folded her hands. “And I can gift wrap this for you. If it’s a gift. Or I can just wrap it really nicely for you to take it home.”
“No, that’s ok. Just. Whatever. A regular bag is fine.” Ananya shifted from one foot to the other, a bit perplexed.
“I mean, if there is anything else that I can do for you. I hope you’re doing… OK.”
After a nanosecond of thinking that this woman was completely bonkers, Ananya figured it out.
Oh my god. She thinks I have cancer. She thinks that I’m totally bald because I’m in chemotherapy. She’s being extra fucking nice because she thinks I’m dying. OH MY GOD, I shave my head because it’s the only way I can think of to force myself to stop thinking about my hair, like every freaking minute, like the way my hair looks determines whether it’s even ok for me to talk, or to have people look at me, or just walk down the f’ing street, and this is what ends up happening? People think that I have fucking cancer and that I’m DYING, and now they’re just gonna look at me MORE? I seriously did not see this coming. Epic fucking fail. But hold it. Hey, I’m not thinking about how my hair looks. So, well, there’s that.
*My novel PUSHING THE RIVER will release in EIGHT days. THANKS for reading this, and for indulging my need to take a break from the endless and soul-killing marketing of a new book!
“Barbara Monier’s breathtaking prose is put to full use in this story of intergenerational care and violence. A must-read for anyone who has ever been, or had, a mother.” —Molly Hales, author of Vital Ties
I AM OFFERING A FREE ADVANCED READER COPY to readers who will post a review on Amazon (and Goodreads, if you do the Goodreads thing) IN ADVANCE OF THE OCTOBER 9 PUBLICATION DATE.
In Barbara Monier’s third novel, a family crisis erupts when a fifteen-year-old becomes pregnant and decides to keep the baby.
Madeline serves as the primary protagonist of PUSHING THE RIVER, and the story is told largely through her eyes. As background and insight into her character – how she came to “push the river” – the unfolding action is interspersed with Madeline’s memories of her own mother.
As the book opens, Madeline describes her house as an empty shell inhabited by ghosts. She has been living alone for years, keeping to a few rooms, surrounded by the possessions of her ex-husband and grown children. Over the course of four months, (cont.) people accumulate in the household one by one — including Madeline’s new love interest, who unexpectedly shows up carrying grocery bags full of his clothes.
Mixing farce and fear in the equal measures that fill most lives, Monier follows her characters as they stumble through love, hope, and familial trust in pursuit of fruitful, fulfilled lives.
HERE’S SOME EARLY PRAISE FOR THE BOOK:
“A very powerful book about the cascading benefits and injuries of the relationships of women across generations. A great study of a character, and her efforts to hold things together amid constant chaos.” — John Manos, author of Dialogues of a Crime
“…with an eye for detail and a love of language, this is a novel about how women pass along wisdom, the relationship between mothers and daughters, the power of mothers to embarrass. The monstrous. The methodical.” — Jim Petersen, freelance journalist, writer, storyteller, author of The Century of Sex
“Like walking past a collection of fine impressionist art.” –— Clark Elliott, author of The Ghost in My Brain
“Beautifully written! Entertaining and innovative, a jewel of a tight story that unfolds powerfully in episodes. An embarrassment of riches. — Rita Dragonette, author of the upcoming The Fourteenth of September
“I couldn’t put it down. So many stories, so much emotion. Two-word review: loved it!” — Janis Post, Chicago artist
CONTACT ME FOR YOUR FREE COPY (send as a downloadable .pdf)
The one from the basement started it. He crawled up from his underground lair, from the smell of epoxy that he uses for projects, from the array of fluorescent vests that he wears to work. He took up residence on the stairs. Early in the morning, he was on the stairs. Late into the night, still on the stairs.
Others began to gather. I never knew where they came from. There would just be another voice, a conversation, coming from the stairs. Or I would come home, and have to step around and between others, bodies leaning this way and that as I made my way through their habitat.
I didn’t want to hear them, tried to not hear them; but they were on the stairs. There was really no escape.
Sometimes I would take a long walk go for coffee invent an errand visit a friend drive to the lakefront, all with the hope that when I returned, the stairs would be a dazzling open space — no residents. No clutter and detritus of citizens who had created their own fiefdom, on my stairs.
In the evenings, the sound of the citizenry would swell like a great ocean storm. Still, occasional single voices would ring out like a carillon bell, random snippets that made no sense and created ripples of unsettledness: “ …had to escape my marriage in the cover of darkness…” “…heard you can’t ever get rid of that smell, no matter what you do…” “No, no, that wasn’t the time I got shot; that was a…”
The voices stop, a crashing silence. A million eyes turn to me.
“Hey, how ya doing?”
“Doing great, Jason. You?”